Ginger Apocalypse 2021: A Dream is a Wish Your Zombie Makes

We rejoin our heroes after their vacation was rudely interrupted by zombies… and sharknados… and mermaids. Oh my! Our heroine and ex-lumberjill (julie? jess?) Sarah, her chainsaw-loving husband Jon, their adopted daughter Suzy, and new friend Roy have all escaped from the tropical almost-paradise. Roy told them of rumors of an entirely underwater settlement somewhere further south, so our heroes set off at once.

Only to be derailed when little Suzy caught sight of a very prominent sign and threw the mother of all trantrums until Sarah and team decided to go investigate the happiest place on earth.

That’s right– we’re going to Gingy World!

Completely legally distinct from that famously litigious company you’re thinking about.
 

So much excitement, packed into one massive theme park. And no lines! What a delight– even our heroine Sarah is taking a moment to enjoy a well-deserved treat in the form of a delicious burger. But she better be careful, as the zombie she neatly bisected a few moments ago is sneaking closer… and one is lurking in the background as well!

That burger looks a little pink, Sarah, and that zombie seems real excited… you sure you know what it’s made from?
 

Gingy World has many well-known attractions, and our heroes know there’s no way they’ll have time to see them all. Still– they’re already here, and they might as well check out a few. One of Roy’s favorites as a kid was the Spooky Mansion.

Looks like the roof’s seen better days, but when your groundskeeper has become a zombie, things start to fall through the cracks.
 

He popped inside just for a quick moment of nostalgia. But what he didn’t expect to find were REAL GHOSTS– they’re coming out of the walls and floor! Roy better find the exit, or he’ll be the mansion’s next resident.

There’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!
 

The Pepcot ball broke free of its supports and ran over Gingerella’s castle (a piece of which is still stuck to the top) before ramming into the It’s a Small Globe attraction.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but a rolling Pepcot ball picks up a little debris, as it turns out.
 

With their home smashed, the It’s a Small Globe multi-cultural Sour Patch Kids have wandered out into the open. And our heroes should be careful– NEVER trust an animated doll.

It’s a globe of sugar, a land of tears
It’s a globe of candy, a land of  fears
 

Over at the sugary falls of Sploosh Mountain, the frosting waters continue to pour down even with no visitors coming in.

*insert the sound of a roaring waterfall here*
 

Looks like one of the local zombies got a little too close to the sugary falls, and has tumbled head over sweet feet into the pretzel briars below.

Talk about getting salt in your wounds.
 

Jon has wandered over to the Pirates of the Jellybean attraction, where multiple zombies (including a pirate zombie!) are waiting for him and his trusty chainsaw.

“Where’s all the rum gone? I mean… brains… where’s all the brains gone?”
 

But Jon needs to be extra careful. It looks like safety standards at Gingy World have really slipped since the whole apocalypse thing happened, and some toxic waste that was being stored next to the ride has begun to leak. One of the sugar zombies has lost some frosting flesh to the horrible waste, and she appears to be leaking a horrible black ichor now. Did the hazardous waste mutate her?!

One man’s toxic waste is another zombie’s superhero origin story.
 

And finally, where’s little Suzy? Why, she found herself a pair of Morkey Mouse ears and is currently standing by the statue of Walt Gingy.

M-O-R-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!
 

But wait… who’s that standing next to Walt? It’s not his beloved creation, Morkey– it’s a zombie!

Nothing to see here, little girl. I’m totally a statue.
 

Will our heroes survive their detour to the Mystic Kingdom? Or will they Fast Pass their way to cookie heaven? Tune in next year to find out!

Ginger Apocalypse 2020: A Sugary Interlude- The Tale of the Woodcutter and the Maiden

We take a break from the gingerbread carnage to join intrepid former-lumberjill (jenny?) Sarah and her adopted daughter, Sally, as Sarah shares a bedtime story from the old country.

In a certain kingdom there lived a woodcutter by the name of Alexei Sokolov, who strode cheerfully through the woods, whistling brightly and swinging his magic axe, Ivan the Eversharp. Alexei came from a long line of woodcutters, and though he lived alone on the edge of a great forest, he was never lonely, for the creatures of the forest and the trees themselves were drawn to the woodcutter and his cheerful tunes.

One day, while Alexei was striding deeper into the woods than normal, whistling brightly and swinging his axe, he felt Ivan the Eversharp begin to vibrate. “Dark magic is near,” thought Alexei, who ceased his whistling and crept silently through the forest, clutching Ivan tightly.

Probably should have cleaned that axe off already… IS THAT TREE BLOOD?!

Alexei crossed a mighty river, made his way through thick foliage, and finally found himself at the edge of a small clearing.

Oooh, like a river, like a river…

There sat the hut of Baba Yaga, the fearsome witch. The hut was resting, its great chicken legs sprawled out before it.

Its got CHICKEN LEGS!

Looking around the clearing, Alexei saw a most disturbing sight- a pen of vicious pigs with glowing red eyes, feasting on meat scraps clinging to human bones. Alexei was a bright lad, and knew that he would have to be careful to avoid becoming their next meal.

Are you achin’ for some bacon? That would be a bad idea. This is the bacon that eats YOU.

Suddenly, from the front door of the wooden hut came a beautiful maiden. He recognized her as Natasha the Kind, the treasured daughter of a merchant in the nearby village. Alexei saw the beautiful Natasha sweeping and feeding the horrible hogs. He knew he had to free her from her enslavement to the witch.

Man, and Cinderella thought she had it bad.

He watched the clearing for some time, and soon, Baba Yaga herself flew in. She chided the beautiful Natasha for her work, then made the girl haul a large, heavy cauldron outside. She set it up on a bed of human bones, and with a snap of Baba Yaga’s fingers, a great green fire began burning beneath the pot. The witch began to conjure various items and pour them in, the brew creating a thick, noxious smoke that carried through the clearing and into the forest around it.

The lesser known Disney film “The Gray Cauldron” did even worse than “The Black Cauldron”… probably because the pigs weren’t nearly as cute and cuddly.

Try as he might, Alexei was unable to stop himself from coughing as the foul smoke hit his lungs. He doubled over, struggling to breathe, when suddenly the beautiful Natasha stood in front of him.

Oh hai.

She smiled a little too wide, and snatched Ivan the Eversharp from his weakened grasp.

Well shit.

Momma always said not to trust a pretty girl in the woods.

What Alexei failed to realize was that, when her father died, Natasha was left in the care of a wicked aunt, who stole her inheritance, treated her as a slave, and locked her in the basement without food for days at a time. Natasha had fled to the woods, where she found Baba Yaga’s chicken-legged hut. Baba Yaga took the girl in, commanding her to work for the witch in return for the power to defeat her aunt and take back her home. And so Natasha had become the witch’s beloved apprentice.

“Tasha dear, do hurry,” called Baba Yaga. “This brew won’t keep, and we need the final ingredient.” And with that, Tasha the Witch (formerly known as Natasha the Kind) uttered a few words, and Alexei’s limbs began to march forward on their own. For the last time, Alexei strode through the forest, though he did not whistle, and Ivan the Eversharp was thrown over the shoulder of the young witch.

Girls don’t want to be rescued- they want magic axes.

Once they had neared the cauldron, Tasha sliced the magic axe through the air, carving a terrible line down Alexei’s chest.

Not the vest! It was designed by Cocoa Chanel!

With a grin, she reached in and pulled out the boy’s still-beating heart, tossing it into the pot.

She really “stole his heart,” didn’t she?

Still grinning, she sliced through the air once more, and the head of Alexei Sokolov fell into the mixture.

Yes, your crush was evil. No need to lose your head.

The brew began to bubble fiercely, and the two witches began to chant. Slowly, the potion’s frantic boil began to slow, and Baba Yaga placed it carefully into three large bottles. 

“He’s the third one this month,” the old crone muttered. “Feed the scraps to the pigs, my pet. We’re going to have to move, soon- I’m tired of all these unwanted guests.”

“As you wish, baba,” Tasha said, licking the boy’s blood from her fingers. “Still, you must admit- we did get a mighty fine axe out of the deal.” And whistling cheerfully, she brought Ivan the Eversharp down, carving the body up with five quick chops.

It’s a REALLY good axe.

And the pigs feasted well that night.

Tastes like chicken.

Perhaps not the bedtime story you or I would choose to tell a child, but during a ginger apocalypse… well, maybe the rules are different. Tune in next year for more of the ongoing saga of our fearless survivors!

Ginger Apocalypse 2019: Vacation, All I Ever Frosted

As another year comes to a close, we must turn our gaze onto the world of the tiny cookie folk and their apocalyptic saga. When last we left our heroes, they were facing down dangers at SugarTech, the epicenter of the zombie menace.

There was truly no question that Sarah, badass lumberjill (jessie? jenna?) and savvy survivor, would easily take out Gingerwald and stop his mad experiments. Not only did she swiftly dispatch the undead scientist, she also took out all the zombies littering the production floor, keeping little Suzy safe all the while.

And what about Jon? Karl the Kraken proved a truly dangerous foe, and Jon was forced to retreat inside to escape the gummy tentacles. Meeting up with the triumphant Sarah, the trio retreated to the roof, where the helicopter awaited them. The group took off, leaving the evil corporation behind (and Karl) behind.

When they ran out of molasses in the tank, they were forced to land the chopper and continue on foot. Outside the town of Marzipan Market (which had been overtaken by a dangerous gang, the Sour Patch Kids), our trio ran into a group of questionably skilled survivors in a souped-up VW van. After making small talk with the strangers, the trio decided it was best to leave that crazy group to their own devices and continued down the road, leaving Suzy’s possessed teddy bear behind by accident (and it definitely didn’t immediately attack those strangers, nope, not at all).

Finally, after all their troubles, the group found themselves on the coast. The sun was blazing, the sand was warm, and the ocean was a beautiful blue frosted dream. Our heroes had earned a vacation, so they built a little hut alongside some other survivors and settled into a peaceful, idyllic life of sand, surf, and sun.

But no respite lasts forever, and it seems the zombies have found our heroes once more.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooooo I wanna take ya… not here. Too many zombies. Definitely not here.

Sarah’s taken a nice break from her plaid to soak up the sunshine, but now all she’s soaking up is zombie blood as she defends her new homestead.

DON’T MAKE ME SLAP YOU WITH ONE OF MY ROOF FISH!

She’s holding strong for now, but we all know she better watch her back. Those gingerbread zombies are  tricksy devils.

Call the exterminator– we’ve got zombies in the crawlspace. AGAIN.

New friend Leilani has proven to be ferocious with a blade, and she’s already taken out one of the sugary demons herself.

Ohana means family, and family means murdering zombies together.

Meanwhile, Jon is keeping a sharp eye on the rear of the village. His lumberjack axe has already tasted blood, but he better watch out– a zombie appears to be preparing to attack from above.

Zombie eyes, are watching you, they see your every move.

Little Suzy, while still sad about the loss of her beloved (demonic) teddy bear, has found a new friend to play with on the beach while new friend Finn watches over her.

His name is Sebastian. Obviously.

But what’s that? Oh no! Finn appears to have been bitten, and the zombie virus is taking over his body! Run, little Suzy!

“Hey! Don’t look at my daughter that way!”

And the danger isn’t only on land. Trying her hardest to catch the eye of any of the survivors is an entrancing mermaid by the nearby rocks.

It’s totally safe out here. Promise. I’ve never lured a sailor to their death before. Mermaid’s honor.

But don’t trust that sugary siren, survivors. She’s already claimed the life of poor Eric, as well as a number of others before him.

LOOK AT THE BONES!

But a blood-thirsty mermaid is only the second most deadly thing in the water. Roy seems to have caught sight of something far worse on the horizon. Roy, what do you see?

Sittin’ on the dock of the bay, hoping some– OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!

Approaching shore is the deadliest phenomenon known to man(and cookie)kind.. A SHARKNADO!

SHARKS? I never saw THAT coming.

Trapped between sweet zombies on shore, a deadly mermaid to the left, and a motherflippin’ sharknado bearing down on the right, things truly look grim for our survivors.

Notice me, senpai!

Will the little mermaid claim another victim? Will the zombie finally get to take a bite out of our heroes? And how are they going to deal with a frosting tornado filled with cookie sharks bearing down on them? Find out… next year!

 

Ginger Apocalypse 2018: The Crimes of Gingerwald

Once again, we pick up the threads of our epic tale of sweet survivors and their sugary foes. When last we saw Sarah (our intrepid heroine) and her companion Jon the lumberjack/woodsman, they had wandered into a scene of carnage at Frostingshire Manor, deep in the English countryside.

For too long, the story has been the same. Find a place to settle, zombies attack, the survivors mourn the dead and move on. Sarah and Jon have been on the run for a long time, and they have had enough. They concocted a mad scheme- they were going to find the source of the gingerbread zombie menace and solve the mystery surrounding their uprising.

Their travels took them around the globe, with cookie bodies piling up in their wake. In the burnt, crumbly remains of an Austrian village, our heroes found a small orphan girl and adopted her. A trio now, they eventually found their way back to a factory outside Sugar City, ID.

SugarTech Industries (a subsidiary of Kan D. Holdings LLC) was once the pinnacle of candy innovation. Run by the brilliant Dr. Gingerwald, the finest cookie minds worked together to create everything from toys to medicine in an effort to advance the study of the sweet sciences.

Well, this looks promising!

The building itself is surprisingly intact for the potential epicenter of a zombie apocalypse, but Sarah thinks there may be more to this place than meets the eye. While she takes little Suzy deeper into the complex, Jon stays outside to fight off the tiny monsters creeping about.

Looks like he’s already put that trusty chainsaw to good use.

But Jon better watch out- there are zombies on all sides!

But what everyone seems to have forgotten is that SugarTech was the cutting-edge of candy research. Home to hundreds of experiments, not even a simple fountain was safe. And the things lurking here might not all be of the zombie variety…

I like to call him Karl. Karl the Kraken.

When you take it all in, Jon faces a tough battle out here on the front steps of this (potentially evil) corporation.

Such well-manicured plant life, despite years of apocalyptic neglect.

But wait… what’s that on the roof?

Get to the choppah!

A helicopter sits on the roof, and while the pilot appears to have met a gory end, the vehicle itself appears in good condition. If our heroes survive and make their way to the top of the building, they just might have a way out of here!

*meanwhile, deep inside Sugar-Tech’s manufacturing area*

It seems that while the outside of the building remains intact and innocuous-enough, the same cannot be said for the inside.

Don’t mind me- just slurping up some intestines on my break.

Watch out kids- there’s more than just teddy bears in that bin!

And while the room is quite dangerous, Sarah isn’t just here to kill zombies. She’s here for the source. And there he is, still working on his mad experiments- Dr. Gingerwald himself.

Never let a little something like premature death get in the way of science.

The time has come- Sarah may have lost an eye all those months ago in the English countryside, but she’s still the deadliest lumberjill (jessica? jane? julie?) around.

Look at that sugary badass.

Tucked safely behind her adopted mother-figure, little Suzy has found a fun new toy. But… can it be trusted?

No. It has demonic red eyes. The answer is no.

Will Jon defeat the zombies (and squidbeast) out front? Will Sarah prevail in ridding the world of a crazy candy scientist? Will they all escape? Will Suzy’s teddy bear kill them all anyway? Tune in next year to find out.

Ginger Apocalypse 2016: The Good, the Dead, and the Sugary

Time has passed in the land of the ginger zombies. Though the sugary horror continues, the unrelenting march of the seasons continues. Spring turns to summer, which bleeds into autumn, which in turn changes to winter. The cycle continues, on and on, while the ginger zombies continue their domination of the world.

Sarah, the reluctant hero of our holiday tales, was last seen in Romania, running a zombie carnival with her lumberjack-crush, Jon. Though the zombies were entertained for a time, the shaky peace was soon shattered, and the two found themselves on the run from the ginger zombies once more.

Jon and Sarah wandered to the English countryside, where long abandoned manor houses dotted a wild landscape. The zombie population was low (with most of them having moved on to more populated regions of the cookie world), the homes were stately, and our heroes were weary. They soon set up camp in Frostingshire Manor, and things seemed peaceful.

For a time.

“First we take over the table, then… THE WORLD.”

Unfortunately, peace doesn’t last in a time of sweet monsters. When their new friend Darryl came back from a supply run, he brought more than food back to our lumberjack-and-jill. And now chaos has overtaken Frostingshire Manor, while our heroes once again fight for their lives.

Jon has taken up his trusty chainsaw once more, dismembering one of the deadly sugar zombies on his front walk:

A proud homeowner, Jon made sure the walk remained impeccably clean.

At his feet sits a second Molotov cocktail, the first of which he threw at a zombie lurking near one of the large trees on the estate. The zombie has yet to realize she will be burnt sugar in but a few moments:

Two minutes from now: “THAT ZOMBIE’S ON FIYAAAAAAH!”

But as prepared as Jon may seem, he needs to be careful. A third ginger zombie has crept onto the second story balcony, ready to leap down on an unsuspecting cookie at ANY TIME:

“Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting COOKIE.”

After a rough start (in which an eye was lost to a hungry zombie mouth), Sarah has come into her own over by Darryl’s truck. The memory of her time as a lumberjill has flowed into her arm, and while she may not be wearing plaid, she IS wielding her axe with deadly precision. Darryl’s truck bed, once loaded with supplies, is now piled high with the remains of the zombies that have crossed Sarah’s path:

*cue zombie country song*

Unfortunately, the owner of that truck was… not so lucky. Darryl met a tragic end when he tripped, fell into the pond… and was the first to discover that even the local wildlife has succumbed to the sugary zombie virus:

Zombie ducky, you’re the one. You make bath time so much OH GOD, THE AGONY!

Nearby, another zombie skips rope with Darryl’s intestines, which is rude, even for a zombie:

Crossfit began marketing to zombies almost immediately.

Watching over all this is the first zombie to attack the manor, a zombie Jon strung up as a warning to the others. A warning they promptly ignored, but it was a valiant attempt:

“C’mon guys. I just wanted to HANG OUT.”

Will Jon and Sarah repel the zombies once more? Will Sarah get a really cool eyepatch now? Is that duck an ominous portent of things to come? Will the world be overrun by zombie ANIMALS too? Tune in next year to find out!

Ginger Apocalypse 2014: The Refrostening

Another year has come and gone, and the time of the ginger zombies is upon us once more. When last we checked in with Sarah, our lumberjill (jessica? jane?) turned loving housewife, she had been avenging the death of her beloved Jimmy, taken from her less than a year after meeting him. Their marriage had been short but sweet, and Sarah grieved deeply for the death of her man.

But after escaping the forest clearing in the truck of a wandering lumberjack, Sarah found herself remembering her younger days. The days before tiny sugary zombies swarmed across the candy globe. When she had lived up north and worn a lot of plaid and chopped down trees for fun. Despite herself, Sarah once again felt a stirring of emotions for her companion.

Jon the Lumberjack may have liked Sarah well enough, but in true outdoorsman fashion, his first instinct was survival. For some time, Jon and Sarah traveled around the world, trying to carve out a safe haven for themselves. However, it soon became evident that the world was overrun with ginger zombies. Sweet cookie humanity had no hope of beating back the zombie scourge.

So one day, while the two were wandering down a Romanian road, decapitating zombies and talking, Sarah made a radical suggestion. What if, instead of fighting zombies… they learned to live WITH them? Jon mulled this over, but when they stumbled upon the old gypsy wagon, it seemed almost natural to just embrace it. After all, they were pretty nomadic as it was.

And so, Jon and Sarah became gypsies, and they ran a small carnival to entertain the zombies. It turns out Sarah was right- it was much easier to live with the undead than to fight them:

Undead fun fair, now open for business.

Jon has grown his beard out and dyed his hair to better fit the role. Little ginger zombies come from all over to visit the traveling fair:

This zombie seems confused- is this ring toss or intestine toss?

But it’s not all fun and games out here- one of the little zombies has snuck into one of the booths. Jon better be careful, or his gypsy charade will meet a tragic end:

Imma gonna nom you.

Sarah has also embraced the gypsy theme, working from their cart as a fortune teller:

“I see… death in your future. Not really much of a surprise there. The cards always say the same thing, really.”

The last customer got a little… HANDSY. And MOUTHSY. And BITESY with our heroine. And so, she impaled the creature with a spare tent pole:

Ain’t no zombie getting the (gum)drop on our girl.

Yes, the show is thriving, and some zombies just can’t wait to take their turn at the games:

“Must… win… skeleton… goldfish”

Of course, there are some… unsavory aspects to running a zombie carnival. But Jon and Sarah have learned that the best way to keep the zombies from attacking them is to provide them with piles of fresh offal and meat:

You gotta do what you gotta do.

But at the end of the night, Jon and Sarah will curl up by their fire, happy, safe (mostly), and together:

So toasty.

What more could you ask for during the holidays?

BONUS: Kitty with frosting on his nose:

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Nineteenth)

Another two-parter (because I keep forgetting to post them here… sorry, galleons).

***

(14:24) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(14:24) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:24) Alissa: Yuuuuuus

(14:25) Sam: Zeldissa crept down the back hallway. She rounded a corner to see…

(14:25) Sam: What appeared to be the largest, most adorable kitchen she’d ever laid eyes on.

(14:25) Sam: The great dragon was wearing a frilly red apron and rumble-humming a little tune while it scooped massive sweet rolls off a baking tray with one dexterous claw.

(14:26) Sam: The room was stacked with sacks of flour and sugar. A large box in the corner could only be a magical ice box, where items like milk and eggs could be stored.

(14:28) Sam: Large quantities of sweets littered the counters around the dragon. Oversized cookies loaded with sweet berries and chunks of chocolate. Tiny cakes topped with sprinkles. Petit fours in a myriad of colors.

(14:29) Sam: The dragon’s tail swished joyfully back and forth as it shook its large, scaly bum to the music playing in its head.

(14:29) Sam: Small boxes on a table nearby were half loaded with confections. Zeldissa edged closer, trying to catch a glimpse of the labels.

(14:30) Sam: “Titanic Treats” she muttered, reading the nearest one. It appeared to be addressed to a woman in the castle town.

(14:30) Sam: ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ Sssssam all but shrieked. Zeldissa froze, realizing her muttering had been overheard by the great dragon.

(14:30) Sam: “I… uh…”

(14:34) Sam: ‘I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME BACK HERE!’ The dragon’s voice had risen two octaves to a high-pitched whine.

(14:34) Sam: “I’m sorry,” Zeldissa said. She didn’t know how else to respond.

(14:49) Sam: ‘IT… IT’S OKAY’ the dragon said, with a slump of its massive shoulders.

(14:49) Sam: ‘SOMEONE WAS GOING TO FIND OUT EVENTUALLY. I JUST… WANTED TO KEEP IT A SECRET.’

(14:50) Sam: “What’s… what’s happening here?” Zeldissa asked.

(14:51) Sam: The dragon sighed. ‘I INHERITED THIS CAVE FROM MY MOTHER. SHE SPENT HER YOUTH TERRORIZING THE COUNTRYSIDE. AMASSED A HUGE HORDE. AND WANTED TO TURN IT OVER TO ME, HER ONLY CHILD. SHE WANTED ME TO BE EVEN MORE FEARED AND TERRIBLE THAN SHE WAS.’

(14:55) Sam: ‘BUT… BUT I DON’T WANT TO EAT PEOPLE AND BURN DOWN VILLAGES. I WANT TO BAKE. I LOVE BAKING.’

(14:55) Sam: The dragon sighed.

(14:55) Sam: Again.

(14:55) Sam: ‘BUT EVERYBODY WOULD LAUGH AT A DRAGON WHO BAKES COOKIES. SO I PRETEND TO BE EVIL… AND I SECRETLY RUN A BAKERY. I SEND SWEETS TO PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY. I LIKE TO MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD.’

(14:56) Sam: The dragon leaned over and blew a jet of flame at the oven.

(14:57) Sam: “Everybody loves sweets” Zeldissa said. “They would love you.”

(14:58) Sam: ‘THEY WOULD LAUGH ME OUT OF TOWN’ Sssssam said sadly. But then it brightened a bit. ‘BUT THAT’S OKAY. I CAN STILL HAVE MY SECRET BAKERY, SO LONG AS NO ONE KNOWS I’M NOT EVIL.’

(14:58) Sam: “I won’t tell” Zeldissa promised.

(14:58) Sam: ‘YOU WON’T? OH, LITTLE HUMAN GIRL, THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. THANK YOU! HERE, HAVE A COOKIE.’

(14:58) Sam: The dragon handed our heroine a cookie the size of her face.

(14:58) Sam: (eat the cookie or save it for later?)

(14:59) Alissa: oh man eat the cookie

(14:59) Sam: The dragon whipped up a cup of hot cocoa and gave it to Zeldissa, who was happily devouring the cookie.

(14:59) Sam: “This… is… soooooo good” she said through a mouthful of baked good.

(15:00) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure, but she could almost see a rosy tinge on the edges of the dragon’s scales.

(15:01) Sam: ‘THANK YOU’ it said. ‘I’M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.’

(15:01) Sam: “I wish I could have cookies like this all the time” Zeldissa said. The dragon looked at her, puzzled.

(15:01) Sam: ‘WELL, YOU CAN. YOU LIVE HERE NOW. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO BAKE FOR YOU.’

(15:01) Sam: “I… actually, I need to talk to you about something,” Zeldissa said, wiping crumbs off her adventurer’s garb.

(15:03) Sam: The dragon settled down into a half-slump that Zeldissa assumed was a comfortable sitting position for it. Ssssam began sipping a large vat of hot chocolate.

(15:03) Sam: ‘GO ON.’

(15:05) Sam: And so, Zeldissa told Sssssam about her quest and adventures. She told the dragon of how she needed the Holy Pigtail to save the land of Hyrule.

(15:05) Sam: “Please, Ssssam, if you have it, may I take it so that I can battle Cervar and save New Ophis?”

(15:06) Sam: (Yes, the narrator realizes she said Hyrule instead of New Ophis. Please forgive her)

(15:06) Sam: ‘BUT OF COURSE, LITTLE ADVENTURER!’ Ssssam said. The dragon ambled back into the treasure room and came back a moment later with a dusty wooden box.

(15:07) Sam: ‘I BELIEVE THESE ARE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR’ it said, giving the box to Zeldissa.

(15:07) Sam: Our heroine opened it up to see the Holy Pigtail sitting inside, glowing faintly and smelling of disinfectant.

(15:07) Sam: “Thank you,” Zeldissa sighed. “I didn’t know it would be this easy to get the last piece.”

(15:08) Sam: ‘I TOLD YOU, I’M NOT EVIL,’ Sssssam said. ‘PLUS, IF NEW OPHIS WAS DESTROYED, I WOULD HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE MY COOKIES WITH!’

(15:09) Sam: After a few more cookies, another cup of hot chocolate, and much friendly chatter, Sssssam offered Zeldissa a place to sleep for the night.

(15:09) Sam: She woke well rested. Ssssam handed her her traveling bag (stuffed with sweets) and bid her farewell.

(15:10) Sam: ‘COME BACK TO VISIT SOON!’ the dragon cried. ‘YOU REALLY DID SORT THOSE SOCKS WONDERFULLY!’

(15:11) Sam: *Well, that’s it* Yuniss said as Zeldissa walked out Ssssam’s secret tunnel to the base of the mountain. *You have all three pieces of the Gently Used Headset. I guess…*

(15:11) Sam: “I guess it’s time for the boss battle” Zeldissa said with a gulp.

(15:12) Sam: *Do you think you’re ready?*

(15:12) Sam: “Oh god no”

(15:12) Sam: *Maybe a quick trip to town for supplies?*

(15:12) Sam: “That’s a great idea” Zeldissa said with an audible sigh of relief. She wasn’t COWARDLY or anything, but if she could put off facing the dread Cervar… well, she was going to. It was that simple.

(15:16) Sam: (fast travel to castle town? Y/N)

(15:16) Alissa: Yes!

(15:17) Sam: (swoosh. flarf. sprickle)

(15:17) Sam: Zeldissa stood in the middle of the castle town. People didn’t even look her way- folks fast travel here a lot.

(15:18) Sam: Of course, now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do…

(15:18) Sam: Her inventory was full, after all

(15:18) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(15:19) Alissa: Hmmm, I do want to view it

(15:19) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure if she needed everything she’d picked up. Then again, she didn’t know what awaited her in the marshes.

(15:21) Sam: (What do you want to do? Try to trade some of these goods for other items? Just shrug and wander into the marsh? Something else?)

(15:29) Alissa: Hmmm, see what I can trade for

(15:41) Sam: (Narrator is unable to focus now. We will pick this back up later. Save game? Y/N)

(15:41) Alissa: Yes!

 

[And now, part the second]

 

(12:42) Sam: *doodle dee doo dun doo dooooooooooooo*

(12:43) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(12:43) Alissa: YES

(12:44) Sam: (When last we saw our intrepid heroine, she had just left the dragon Ssssssam’s lair with the last piece of the Gently Used Headset in hand. She had fast traveled to the castle town…)

(12:44) Sam: ((15:18) Sam: Of course, now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do…

(15:18) Sam: Her inventory was full, after all

(15:18) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(15:19) Alissa: Hmmm, I do want to view it

(15:19) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure if she needed everything she’d picked up. Then again, she didn’t know what awaited her in the marshes.

(15:21) Sam: (What do you want to do? Try to trade some of these goods for other items? Just shrug and wander into the marsh? Something else?)

(15:29) Alissa: Hmmm, see what I can trade for

)

(12:45) Sam: Zeldissa wandered the streets of the castle town. There were so many shops. Stuff ‘n Thingz. Foodmart. Potions R Us. Ye Olde Banque. Slappy Joe’s Adventuring Supplies.

(12:45) Sam: She didn’t know where to begin.

(12:46) Sam: (What are you shopping for?)

(12:46) Alissa: either adventuring supplies or stuff n thingz lol

(12:46) Sam: Zeldissa was an adventurer at heart (and sometimes in practice). She decided to head to Slappy Joe’s.

(12:49) Sam: Standing behind the counter was someone who looked nothing like someone named “Slappy Joe.”

(12:49) Sam: In fact, the man looked… familiar.

(12:50) Sam: “Well, hi there,” he said in a hard-to-place accent. Southerly?

(12:50) Sam: “Wait a second,” Zeldissa said. “Aren’t you the shopkeeper from the Royal Emporium?”

(12:51) Sam: “Oh, I remember you,” he said excitedly. “You were the girl with the lizard from the Natgrid. Oh, you made me ever so happy with that.”

(12:51) Sam: “And you still haven’t answered my question…”

(12:52) Sam: “Oh sweetie, that was YEARS ago,” the man said. “Slappy Joe took over the Emporium. This is the same shop, don’t you recall?”

(12:52) Sam: “I… I don’t…” Zeldissa paused, confused. “What?”

(12:55) Sam: “Oh yeah, Slappy Joe took over the shop a long time ago. He let me keep my job, and then he went wandering out to fight in the Great War of the Natgrid. I haven’t seen him since.”

(13:00) Sam: “The Great War?” Zeldissa whispered. Her eyes widened. And started watering. But she wasn’t crying- she just has messed up eyes.

(13:01) Sam: *Maybe we need to find Terr* Yuniss suggested. *I think something’s gone horribly wrong*

(13:06) Sam: Zeldissa scuttled out the door and ran down the street. Now that she was paying attention, she could see that everything looked… different. Shop faces were different. Fashion had changed (what were with those weird denim leggings, anyway?).

(13:09) Sam: She ran down the street to the Break Room. They had redecorated.

(13:10) Sam: She didn’t like it.

(13:10) Sam: Terr was nowhere to be seen inside, so she asked the lady behind the bar.

(13:11) Sam: “Oh, Terr doesn’t come around here much anymore,” she said, wiping down glasses in that way that denotes a bartender pretending to do something so they aren’t just standing there, being useless. Some things never change. “But he lives just down on Marsean Way. You could probably catch him there.”

(13:27) Sam: And so, Zeldissa headed down to Marsean way and found Terr standing outside a quaint little home, smoking.

(13:28) Sam: “Oh lord,” he said. “You came back. I thought you’d been killed in the war for sure.”

(13:28) Sam: “Terr, I think there’s been a horrible mistake,” Zeldissa said. “I need to talk to you.”

(14:20) Sam: Terr looked at her strangely. Zeldissa noticed that he looked… older. And tired.

(14:20) Sam: “It’s weird,” he said finally. “I haven’t seen you in years but… you haven’t aged a day.”

(14:22) Sam: “Yeah, well, that’s kind of what I need to talk about,” Zeldissa said.

(14:22) Sam: Terr gestured for her to come inside. The inside of his home was cluttered, full of things he must have accumulated over the years.

(14:23) Sam: “Do you ever clean?” Zeldissa asked. Rudely. Nobody ever said she was the nicest heroine.

(14:58) Sam: “I need to hire someone to tidy this up,” he whined. He turned to her, a glint in his eye. “You need a job?”

(15:07) Sam: “Uh… no. I’m busy trying to save the kingdom,” Zeldissa said. “Or, at least, I think I am. What year is it?”

(15:08) Sam: Terr told her and she blanched even paler than she already was (which is pretty pale). “So… it’s been… 5 years…”

(15:08) Sam: “Five years since what?”

(15:08) Sam: “Terr, after I saw you last, I went up north to face Sssssam,” Zeldissa said. “I was only up there for a few days, max. And now you’re telling me FIVE YEARS have passed.”

(15:09) Sam: “Oh, Sssssam. That dragon makes some good cookies,” Terr said with a smile.

(15:09) Sam: “Oh, she opened a bakery?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:09) Sam: “Yeah, a few years back. Said a friend of hers gave her the courage to do it. Real nice, that dragon.”

(15:19) Sam: “Okay, so… what happened since the last time you saw me?” Zeldissa pressed. “What is this war everyone keeps mentioning? What has happened?!”

(15:21) Sam: “Oh lord,” Terr said. “Okay. After the last time I saw you, the Natgrid started growing again. The village of Ekovah decided to fight back. And they were successful for a few months, because a lot of people came to fight for them.” He gave her a look. “People who had met you. You were the girl from Ekovah who helped a lot of people, and everyone wanted to help you. Even though you were nowhere to be found.”

(15:22) Sam: “Most people said you were deep in the heart of the Natgrid, fighting with Potter himself,” he continued. “However, the Safeguards around the village finally failed, and the Natgrid took over. But then we all learned the truth.”

(15:23) Sam: “The Natgrid wasn’t the bad guy here. The Natgrid was the only thing that could stand up against the Bearers of the Source of Alty, a powerful magic that was destroying the land. The Bearers marched up out of the marshes of Pore Cignel and decimated everything in their path.”

(15:24) Sam: “Potter and his 6 knights-”

(15:24) Sam: “Six?” Zeldissa said. “Weren’t there only 3 before?”

(15:26) Sam: “I think a few folks got promoted,” Terr said. “I don’t know. All I know is there were six knights- Sir Eaton the Noisy, Sir Tagg of the Eyebrows, Sir Silva the Staid…puft, Sir Jameson the Probably-a-Robot, Sir Hillyard the Laid-back, and Sir Head… er Man the Usually Forgotten.”

(15:26) Sam: “The Head… er Man used to run my village!” Zeldissa cried.

(15:27) Sam: “Yes, well, now he’s one of Potter’s knights,” Terr said. “You know how it goes. So, the six knights, led by Potter, pushed the Bearers of the Source of Alty back into the marshes.”

(15:29) Sam: “But there were many losses. One of Potter’s knights fell long before the final battle, as did the witch of the Natgrid. Many civilians and great creatures of the forest were lost. The Natgrid and its powers have kept the Bearers at bay, but we all know it’s only a matter of time until they come back.”

(15:31) Sam: “But… but I found the Headset,” Zeldissa said. “I was going to stop this.”

(15:31) Sam: “Like I said, we all thought you had died,” Terr said. “We never saw you. I just know what happened.”

(15:32) Sam: “Wow” Zeldissa said. “So… I failed.”

(15:33) Sam: “Uh…” Terr said. “I don’t know…”

(15:33) Sam: “I have to go,” Zeldissa said suddenly, her eyes watering again (this time, it really was tears). “Thanks, Terr.”

(15:33) Sam: “Anytime,” Terr said, puzzled. “Come see me again, if you have time.”

(15:34) Sam: *Whoa* Yuniss said. *That is crazy. How have five years passed?*

(15:34) Sam: “I don’t know,” Zeldissa said. “I was kind of hoping you would.”

(15:37) Sam: *Well, I mean, there were always rumors that fast traveling could glitch and send you through time. But I kind of thought that was just a bunch of conspiracy nuts. Like the ones who believe in Old Mike, the Addy Monster of Kolecksion Lake…*

(15:37) Sam: “WHAT?! You KNEW this could happen and you never warned me?!”

(15:38) Sam: *Uh, if you were listening, I said I just said I thought it was a myth. Why would I warn you about a myth? Should I tell you to watch out for grimbles next?*

(15:38) Sam: “What’s a grimble?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:39) Sam: *You had a weird childhood* Yuniss said, exasperated. *They’re little monsters in a bunch of fairy tales. And they AREN’T REAL.*

(15:39) Sam: “Well, somehow, we traveled through time,” Zeldissa snapped. “So maybe you need to revisit your grimble theory.”

(15:40) Sam: *Jerk*

(15:40) Sam: “Anyway,” Zeldissa said, rolling her eyes. “Somehow, fast traveling MAY have sent us five freaking years into the future. Great. And now all that work was for nothing.”

(15:41) Sam: *Well, not really,* Yuniss said. *I mean, Terr said that Bearers were pushed back into the marsh…*

(15:42) Sam: “Yeah, the marsh of Pore Cignel. Where Cervar was. I don’t think that was a coincidence. THIS is what we were supposed to prevent. And we failed.”

(15:42) Sam: *Okay, well, first off, YOU failed,* Yuniss said. *I wasn’t charged with any heroic mission. This is on you.*

(15:42) Sam: “Thanks.”

(15:43) Sam: *Second, Terr just said the Bearers were pushed back. He never said they were beaten. Maybe we can still help.*

(15:43) Sam: “Oh sure, NOW it’s ‘we’,” Zeldissa grumbled. “Still, that’s not a bad idea. I guess we should go see Potter then.”

(15:43) Sam: (It is getting late. Save game? Y/N)

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Eighteenth)

Oh yes, a twofer today.

Enjoy.

***

(14:47) Sam: *doodle dee doo*

(14:47) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:47) Alissa: YYEEEEESSSSSSS

(14:48) Sam: (When last we left our heroine, she had just told the great dragon Sssssam a truly outrageous story and was begging the beast to let her be its servant)

(14:49) Sam: ‘HMMMMM’ Sssssam murmured, a deep rumble that shook the cavern. ‘I’M NOT SURE I REALLY NEED A SERVANT… THEN AGAIN, IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAD SOMEONE TO PROPERLY WORSHIP ME AND SHINE MY SCALES.’

(14:49) Sam: *Oh, how the mighty have fallen* Yuniss muttered.

(14:53) Sam: “Please, oh great Sssssam” Zeldissa said. “I would love nothing more than to serve you!”

(14:53) Sam: *Seriously, this is just sad*

(14:57) Sam: ‘VERY WELL, PURPLE HAIRED HUMAN’ the dragon boomed. ‘YOU SHALL BE MY SERVANT. BASK IN THE GLORY THAT IS ME.’

(15:06) Sam: And with that, the dragon tipped back its great head and blew a huge plume of flame onto the cavern ceiling. The fire heated the dark stone to a brilliant golden white. Zeldissa could see ripples in the stone as the force of the blast pushed the melted rock outward.

(15:08) Sam: Zeldissa gasped.

(15:08) Sam: “Please, my… master, the heat…. is too much” she gasped.

(15:14) Sam: For a moment, the dragon continued. Zeldissa collapsed to the ground, panting heavily, desperate for some air that wasn’t super-heated and scorching her lungs.

(15:14) Sam: Finally, the dragon ceased its display and turned to the girl.

(15:15) Sam: ‘APOLOGIES, LITTLE ONE’ it said. ‘SOMETIMES I FORGET HOW FRAGILE YOU PEOPLE ARE.’

(15:15) Sam: “It’s fine” Zeldissa wheezed. “I’m good. Yep. Just fine.”

(15:17) Sam: ‘GOOD’ the dragon rumbled. ‘NOW, THERE ARE A FEW RULES YOU WILL HAVE TO ABIDE BY IF YOU WISH TO LIVE TO SERVE ME. YOU WILL STAY ONLY IN THIS MAIN CHAMBER- YOU SHALL NOT VENTURE OUTSIDE, NOR WILL YOU GO INTO THE BACK ROOM.’

(15:17) Sam: “The back room?”

(15:19) Sam: ‘THAT CHAMBER RIGHT THERE’ the dragon boomed, pointing one long claw at a large passageway that led out the opposite side of the cave from where Zeldissa had entered. ‘THAT AREA IS MINE AND MINE ALONE. YOU WILL NOT GO THERE… UNDERSTAND?’

(15:20) Sam: “Uh, yeah, sure. Got it. Don’t go in the back room,” Zeldissa muttered. She was really concerned that she was getting in over her head in this situation.

(15:20) Sam: And that she was going to end up a heroine-kebab.

(15:22) Sam: ‘VERY WELL’ Sssssam said. ‘THEN YOU CAN BEGIN BY… UH…’

(15:22) Sam: The dragon seemed at a loss as to what to make its new servant do.

(15:22) Sam: ‘YOU CAN SORT THAT PILE OF SOCKS’

(15:23) Sam: “…Why… Um…” Zeldissa stammered. “Oh great Sssssam, why do you keep a pile of socks in your lair?”

(15:24) Sam: ‘I….’ For a moment, the dragon seemed… almost ashamed. ‘YOU DO NOT QUESTION THE WHIMS OF YOUR BETTERS, LITTLE HUMAN. NOW, SORT THOSE SOCKS. I WANT THEM FOLDED IN SMALL PILES BY COLOR AND TYPE.’

(15:25) Sam: Zeldissa sighed inside, but outwardly managed a smile and a small (extremely bobbly) curtsy. “As you say, my master.”

(15:26) Sam: And so, Zeldissa spent many hours sorting what turned out to be a MASSIVE pile of socks while Sssssam lounged nearby, furtively watching our heroine while pretending to read an oversized newspaper.

(15:26) Sam: “Oh mighty Sssssam?” Zeldissa asked, causing the dragon to cough out a fireball and burn the newspaper up.

(15:26) Sam: ‘ER… UM… WHAT, SERVANT?’ the dragon sputtered.

(15:27) Sam: Zeldissa looked at the dragon carefully. Yes, the creature was imposing. It could probably kill her in a hundred ways without even trying. But our heroine was starting to think there might be something a bit… OFF about this monster.

(15:34) Sam: “I am sorry, oh great Sssssam,” Zeldissa said. “I am but a weak and tiny human. I am not capable of the same feats of greatness as you. My body is exhausted from my travels- may I please sleep a bit before continuing with this task?”

(15:36) Sam: ‘FINE’ the dragon said. If Zeldissa was correct, the great creature sounded embarrassed. ‘FIND A SPOT….ANYWHERE’ The dragon gestured a clawed hand around the massive cave.

(15:37) Sam: “Thank you, great one,” Zeldissa said. The dragon just muttered a rumbly mutter and wandered off toward the back of the cavern

(15:37) Sam: ‘AND REMEMBER’ it said as it left. ‘DON’T LEAVE AND DON’T FOLLOW ME.’

(15:38) Sam: “Wouldn’t dream of it, master,” Zeldissa called to the dragon’s retreating form. With a swish of its massive tail, the dragon disappeared into the mysterious back cavern.

(15:44) Sam: Zeldissa waited a few minutes. Five, maybe. It was hard to tell time in the cave, even though she had a pixel pixie at hand that could probably tell her.

(15:45) Sam: Then, she started rooting around in the treasure piles. And the not-so-treasury piles.

(15:45) Sam: “Who needs a pile of 300 wooden legs?” she muttered.

(15:45) Sam: *You think the dragon ate all the owners of those legs, or just stole the legs from the disabled?* Yuniss asked.

(15:47) Sam: “I don’t know” Zeldissa said. “Honestly, I don’t know which is worse.”

(15:47) Sam: *I think death is worse* Yuniss said.

(15:47) Sam: “I meant, is it worse to KILL someone or to steal from the disabled? Both seem pretty wrong.”

(15:47) Sam: *They are not even in the same solar system, you twit* Yuniss said.

(15:47) Sam: “Whatever” Zeldissa muttered, shifting some massive opals around.

(15:49) Sam: Twenty-seven “treasure” piles later, Zeldissa fell to the floor like a puppet with cut strings.

(15:49) Sam: “This is useless” she said. “I could do this for YEARS and never find the Holy Pigtail.”

(15:49) Sam: *You need to get the dragon to show you where it is* Yuniss said.

(15:49) Sam: “HOW?!”

(15:49) Sam: *I dunno… ask?*

(15:50) Sam: “Oh yeah, that’ll go over well. Just ask the man-eating dragon where it keeps the treasure I want to steal from it.”

(15:50) Sam: *Maybe… maybe you just need some leverage* Yuniss said, a sly smile playing across her face.

(15:51) Sam: “I don’t like that look” Zeldissa said slowly. Yuniss grinned all the wider.

(15:51) Sam: *Come on* she said. *You KNOW you want to know what’s in that back room.*

(15:51) Sam: “The dragon said not to go back there” Zeldissa said. “I feel like ignoring it is the key to a painful, fiery death.”

(15:52) Sam: *Maybe* Yuniss said. *But I think Sssssam doesn’t want you going in there because it has something to hide.*

(15:52) Sam: Zeldissa opened her mouth to speak, but then promptly shut it. There WAS something off about that dragon. And it was REALLY insistent that she not go into the back room.

(15:52) Sam: “Oh what the hell” our brash and slightly insane heroine said. “Let’s go see what the dragon’s hiding.”

(15:53) Sam: And so, Zeldissa and her pixie companion crept down the back hallway. A sweet smell assaulted Zeldissa’s nostrils.

(15:53) Sam: “What smells so… good?” she whispered.

(15:53) Sam: Soon enough, she rounded a corner to see….

(15:53) Sam: (Oh look, the end of the shift)

(15:53) Sam: (Save game? Y/N)

(15:54) Alissa: YES

(15:54) Alissa: lol

(15:54) Alissa: I hate you

(15:54) Alissa: and your good timing

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Seventeenth)

Sorry it’s been so long, dearest galleons. There have actually been a few short installments of this tale in the time since our last post, but I keep forgetting to put them up here. And so, we’ll roll the last few together into one big installment.

You’re welcome.

***

Sam

[08:16:31]*doo doo dee doo da doo dooooooooo*

[08:16:37](load last save? Y/N)

 

Alissa

[08:17:37]Yes!

 

Sam

[08:17:49](lol- the narrator was concerned for a second there)

[08:18:25]Zeldissa continued down the self-illuminating corridor. The air got warmer and warmer as she crept deeper and deeper into the heart of the mountain.

[08:19:00]Soon, she began to see veins of silver and gold running through the stone walls. They glimmered entrancingly in the light of the magical globes.

[08:20:50]Small drift piles of gold began to appear at irregular intervals on the ground. Zeldissa was tempted to stop and load up her pockets, but she was afraid the sound of jingling and clinking would echo terribly through this quiet hall.

[08:38:00]She noticed that the walls had been becoming more and more… finished the deeper she went into the mountain. They began to look less like ragged cave walls and more like carefully worked and shaped square-ish hallway walls. The ground similarly had gone from rocks and dirt to an intricately tiled floor.

[08:38:31]The piles of gold and treasure began to get larger and more frequent. Zeldissa kept easing around them, but the further she went, the closer they got.

[08:41:51]As Zeldissa was carefully squeezing between two large piles of treasure, her bag brushed against one of the piles. The treasure shifted, and a few coins and gems slid, skittered, and clattered down the pile to the floor.

[08:42:01]In the silence of the hall, the noise sounded deafening.

[08:42:15]And up ahead, the deep breathing sound suddenly paused.

[09:10:15]’WHO DARES DISTURB THE MIGHTY SSSSSAM?’

[09:10:50]The voice rumbled down the corridor with a gust of scorching heat. Zeldissa cringed at the sound.

[09:12:59]*Great* Yuniss whispered. *You woke it up*

[09:13:22]’I SAID, WHO DARES DISTURB ME?’ The voice thundered again.

[09:14:33](What do you do? Do you answer the dragon or remain silent?)

 

Alissa

[09:14:50]I’ll be bold as usual and answer

 

Sam

[09:15:47]Zeldissa opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was the barest of squeaks

[09:18:11]The squeak reverberated through the hallway strangely. A throaty chuckle was heard from the far end of the hall.

[09:18:57]’HEHE, NOTHING MORE THAN A LITTLE MOUSE, LOST IN MY CAVE. YOU ARE TOO SMALL TO BE MUCH OF A SNACK, LITTLE MOUSE. SCURRY ON OUT OF HERE. YOU ARE TOO BOLD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD’

[09:19:31]*That was close* Yuniss whispered.

[09:19:38]Zeldissa stared hard at the little pixie before mouthing ‘how can the dragon not hear you?’

[09:20:10]*I speak in a frequency dragons cannot hear* Yuniss said. Loudly. Zeldissa panicked a little, but there was no further sound from the dragon.

[09:23:30]Zeldissa crept forward with even greater caution than before.

[09:24:04]The steady sounds of the dragon’s breath had started up again, but she knew the dragon would not shrug off a second sound so easily.

[09:24:10]She would have to be extra quiet.[09:28:04]Yuniss, meanwhile, had decided to start singing as loudly as she could.

[09:48:57]*99 piles of gold on the ground, 99 piles of goooooooold. Kick one down, the dragon looks ’round, 98 piles of gold on the groooooooouuuuuuuuuuund. 98 piles of gold on the ground, 98 piles of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD.*

[09:55:08]Zeldissa considered dashing the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device against the stone wall. She kind of thought death by dragon would be worth murdering the annoying pixie.

[09:58:11]She continued creeping and slipping around the increasingly larger and more frequent piles of gold and treasure.

[10:02:33]The corridor started to widen. Large pillars began appearing in frequent intervals in the middle of the widening hall.

 

 

(13:55) Sam: BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY

(13:56) Sam: *doodle dee doo dun doo*

(13:56) Sam: (oh yes)

(13:56) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(13:56) Alissa: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

(13:59) Sam: (When last we saw our intrepid heroine, she was creeping around large piles of gold on her way to face the dreaded Sssssam… or whatever was lurking deep within the mountain cave… while a pixel pixie sang annoying little songs in her ear)

(14:01) Sam: The dragon or whatever had already stirred once. Zeldissa was certain another sound would not be brushed off as easily as the first. Her very life depended on her ability to stay completely silen-

(14:01) Sam: *SMASH CRASH CLANG CLATTER SPRONG SPRASH DING*

(14:09) Sam: Zeldissa froze as various bits and pieces of treasure smashed and tumbled their way down the stack of treasure she had just passed.

(14:10) Sam: Some part of her bag must have brushed against it as she passed.

(14:10) Sam: Zeldissa gulped- honestly, it had only been a matter of time.

(14:37) Sam: ‘I KNEW I HEARD SOMEONE IN MY LAIR’ the mighty voice boomed again

(14:37) Sam: *Oh crap* Yuniss said *We’re dead*

(14:40) Sam: Zeldissa toyed with her options. Did she boldly proclaim her presence in true heroic fashion…. or did she attempt to hide in the shadows and hope the dragon forgot about her?

(14:40) Sam: (So… which will it be, adventurer?)

(14:40) Alissa: BOLD

(14:41) Sam: (THAT’S RIGHT)

(14:42) Sam: Zeldissa steeled herself, summoned all her bravery, and shouted “YO SSSSSAM, YOU GOT SOMETHING I WANT”

(14:42) Sam: *…seriouslly?!*

(14:42) Sam: (or seriously, rather)

(14:43) Sam: There was a long pause.

(14:43) Sam: A pregnant pause.

(14:44) Sam: The kind of pause that starts reproducing as you experience it, spawning multitudes of tinier pauses that somehow only serve to amplify and expand upon the original pause.

(14:46) Sam: The kind of pause that empires fall in, the pause of a dramatic, history-altering moment happening.

(14:48) Sam: A pause that seemed to last eons. The universe expanded, worlds died, a species of goat waged a small and very brutal war with a tribe of sheep that no one witnessed.

(14:49) Sam: And then, at last, after all that magnificent pausing…

(14:49) Sam: …

(14:49) Sam: …

(14:49) Sam: Sssssam uttered a deafening, soul-rumbling laugh.

(14:50) Sam: ‘LITTLE INVADER, I HAVE NOT LAUGHED IN DECADES’ the voice said. ‘COME DEEPER INTO MY CAVE, THEN, IF YOU WOULD HAVE THE ITEM YOU SEEK. I FIND I DO NOT WANT TO KILL YOU JUST YET.’

(14:51) Sam: *Yayyyy* Yuniss muttered. *The man-eating dragon doesn’t want to eat us YET*

(14:54) Sam: “Better than nothing” Zeldissa muttered. But inside, she was still quaking. And wondering why the hell she had decided to shout that at a freaking dragon…

(14:56) Sam: No longer concerned with making noise, Zeldissa crashed and clattered her way down the corridor.

(14:57) Sam: The air was getting uncomfortably warm. Like, really uncomfortable.

(15:06) Sam: If Zeldissa hadn’t already abandoned her fancy outerwear she got from the innkeeper, she did so now.

(15:06) Sam: (Yes, the narrator is unable to recall that detail- DEAL WITH IT)

(15:14) Sam: She continued moving forward, sweat beading on her brow.

(15:14) Sam: Soon, her clothes began to stick to her unpleasantly.

(15:14) Sam: And still, the temperature rose.

(15:14) Sam: *So… hot…* Yuniss cried.

(15:14) Sam: “You’re digital,” Zeldissa wheezed. “You can’t even feel temperature.”

(15:14) Sam: *The circuits in this device are overheating* Yuniss said. *And trust me, I can feel that*

(15:15) Sam: Soon, the corridor took a shark turn

(15:15) Sam: Or rather, a sharp turn

(15:15) Sam: No shark could survive in this heat

(15:16) Sam: And when our heroine rounded the corner, there were the great, blazing eyes of the dragon Sssssam, watching her.

(15:29) Sam: The dragon was massive, towering over our heroine. It felt like the dragon filled the whole chamber, but that obviously wasn’t true, as there was SO MUCH TREASURE piled in there.

(15:30) Sam: The dragon’s scales appeared to be a dark brown-black, but they rippled with hints of pale gold and brilliant red. The air around the dragon shimmered with a furious heat.

(15:41) Sam: ‘WELL WELL, HELLO, LITTLE INTERLOPER’ the dragon boomed. Small tongues of fire danced out of its mouth as it spoke.

(15:43) Sam: “Uh, hey” Zeldissa said. “Nice to finally meet you”

(15:43) Sam: The dragon chuckled. ‘FINALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?’

(15:44) Sam: “Let me tell you,” Zeldissa said. “It has been an ordeal. There was this wizard and a card game and a monkey and I almost died and then there was that creepy bartender and who needs that many sticky notes? and don’t get me started on the forest…”

(15:45) Sam: ‘HOLD UP’ the dragon said. ‘START AGAIN. FROM THE BEGINNING. I WOULD HEAR THIS TALE OF YOURS.’

(15:45) Sam: (And I think we’ll save that for tomorrow. Save game? Y/N)

(15:46) Alissa: YES

(15:46) Alissa: awhhh adventuresssss

 

 

(14:48) Sam: *doo dee doo dun doodle dee doo*

(14:48) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:48) Alissa: YEEEEEEEEEES

(14:48) Alissa: I’ll need a refresher

(14:48) Alissa: on whats going on haha

(14:48) Sam: It’s been too long, adventurer

(14:49) Sam: When last we left our heroine, she had finally come to face-to-snout with the dreaded Sssssam.

(14:49) Sam: (Here’s a recap:)

(14:49) Sam: (15:29) Sam: The dragon was massive, towering over our heroine. It felt like the dragon filled the whole chamber, but that obviously wasn’t true, as there was SO MUCH TREASURE piled in there.

(15:30) Sam: The dragon’s scales appeared to be a dark brown-black, but they rippled with hints of pale gold and brilliant red. The air around the dragon shimmered with a furious heat.

(15:41) Sam: ‘WELL WELL, HELLO, LITTLE INTERLOPER’ the dragon boomed. Small tongues of fire danced out of its mouth as it spoke.

(15:43) Sam: “Uh, hey” Zeldissa said. “Nice to finally meet you”

(15:43) Sam: The dragon chuckled. ‘FINALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?’

(15:44) Sam: “Let me tell you,” Zeldissa said. “It has been an ordeal. There was this wizard and a card game and a monkey and I almost died and then there was that creepy bartender and who needs that many sticky notes? and don’t get me started on the forest…”

(15:45) Sam: ‘HOLD UP’ the dragon said. ‘START AGAIN. FROM THE BEGINNING. I WOULD HEAR THIS TALE OF YOURS.’

(14:53) Sam: Zeldissa stared up at the massive creature. She was sweating profusely. It was rather disgusting.

(14:54) Sam: She had been just rambling when she had started telling the dragon parts of her adventure, but she didn’t know if the great beast would care about her kingdom’s plight. And she didn’t want to become a tasty dragon snack.

(14:54) Sam: She wondered if she should try to lie to the dragon. She really felt good about her powers of persuasion after that incident in the cave which she NEVER WANTED TO THINK ABOUT AGAIN.

(14:54) Sam: (So, what do you think, adventurer? Tell the dragon the truth or LIE OUT YO BUTT?)

(14:56) Alissa: LIE OUT MUH BOOTAY

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa smiled her most winning grin at the scaly monstrosity.

(15:00) Sam: “A few weeks ago, I was working at a tavern in the castle town,” Zeldissa said. “I mean, I know tavern work isn’t the BEST, but the economy is real bad out there. You have no idea.”

(15:04) Sam: “One night, as I was serving drinks, a man in a dark cloak beckoned me over to his table. He held up three gold coins and told me he would give them to me if I just sat down and played a card game with him. ‘I’m lonely and would like the company.'”

(15:05) Sam: “Now, this sounded a little shady, and my boss usually frowned on such things, but he was busy at the bar and I REALLY needed the coin. So, I sat down.”

(15:08) Sam: “The man shuffled a deck of strange, hexagonal cards and began arranging them on the table. He smiled at me and I felt instantly at ease. It had been silly to be worried about sitting here. He was a friendly gentleman and just wanted someone to play a game with him.”

(15:09) Sam: “I took a sip of the drink by my elbow. It was funny- I didn’t REMEMBER bringing a second drink to the table, but I must have. I didn’t even recognize the brew- it didn’t taste like our normal swill. It was sweet and rich and it warmed me all the way down. I smiled at the man as he briefly explained the rules of the game.”

(15:13) Sam: “I didn’t really understand, but I figured I would pick it up as I go. Something about baby in the cradle and crow in the pocket… even now, the details are fuzzy. And at first, everything seemed to be going along fine.”

(15:13) Sam: “Until I drew the monkey”

(15:13) Sam: *Oh my god* Yuniss said. *This is ridiculous. And why do all your stories start with you getting bewitched by strangers? What does that say about you?*

(15:14) Sam: Zeldissa froze, fear in her eyes. And then, slowly, she remembered. The dragon could not hear the voice of the pixie.

(15:14) Sam: Only Zeldissa was burdened by such a thing.

(15:17) Sam: “The card seemed to shake a little in my hand. I glanced up at the man across the table to see him smiling at me. ‘Remember, you must play the card you just drew.’ I wasn’t sure if that was so, but he knew the rules better than I, so I put the card on the table.”

(15:19) Sam: “The man looked at the card. ‘Ah, the monkey,’ he said. ‘That changes everything.’ And with that, he started picking cards off the table seemingly at random and shuffling them around, talking nonstop about battle plans and oracles.”

(15:19) Sam: “I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I figured I’d keep muddling through. However, at that moment, my boss came over.”

(15:21) Sam: “The owner of the tavern was a sleazy little man. He tended bar most nights and was really rude to me and the other girls that worked there. Constantly trying to get us to do all manner of unsavory things, if you know what I’m saying, then punishing us for refusing.”

(15:22) Sam: “So, he sidles over to the table and starts hissing at me to get back to work. And the man in the cloak just turns and gives him this glare. This cold, cold glare. My boss froze to the spot, all the blood draining from his face… then he turned around, climbed on a table, and started taking his clothes off.”

(15:23) Sam: “The other patrons started laughing and climbing over the bar to help themselves to the wares while the bartender continued his awkward show.”

(15:23) Sam: “It was at that moment that I realized- I was sitting with a wizard. I had to be.”

(15:26) Sam: “But I was unable to get up. Against my will, I turned back to the game. The wizard grinned again. ‘The monkey changes the game, remember? Now, things get serious.'”

(15:32) Sam: “Anyway, I don’t really remember the rest of the game. It’s just a blur of cards and that sweet drink and that man’s EYES.”

(15:40) Sam: “I woke up the next morning so hung-over I could barely move. I was in the back of a wagon, chained to a large metal ring in the center of the wagon bed.”

(15:40) Sam: “I felt like I was going to die.”

(15:41) Sam: “A voice from the front said, ‘Ah good, you’re awake. I was worried you weren’t going to wake up after that little potion I gave you. But, it’s good now. Hello there, pretty little thing.'”

(15:41) Sam: “I struggled against the chain. ‘What’s going on? Where are you taking me?’ I asked. He just laughed, but said nothing further.”

(15:42) Sam: “We traveled far to the east, to the outer reaches of the great desert. We stopped at a small bazaar.”

(15:42) Sam: “And it was at this bazaar that, for 20 gold coins and a magic pendant, I was sold to a dragon worshipping cult.”

(15:43) Sam: ‘OOOOOO, THEY STILL HAVE THOSE?’ Sssssam asked, delighted little smoke spirals coming out of its maw. ‘I THOUGHT THEY ALL DIED OUT A FEW HUNDRED YEARS AGO. DELICIOUS.’

(15:44) Sam: “Yes, well, they brought me back here. To this mountain. And they carted me up here and dumped me at the mouth of the cave. They said you had been too long without a slave and told me to get in here.”

(15:45) Sam: “On the way here, they told me such tales of your magnificence that I knew I must see you. And now that I have, I know that I want more than anything to be servant to you. Please, oh mighty Sssssam, let me serve you.”

(15:45) Sam: (Okay, you aren’t even paying attention now. We’ll just auto save and pick this up another day)

(15:46) Alissa: I AM TOO

 

 

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Sixteenth)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled adventure.

***

(13:12) Alissa: ADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTURE

(13:13) Sam: *doodly doo doodle doo*

(13:13) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(13:13) Alissa: YES

(13:14) Sam: Zeldissa tip toed into the dark, dark cave.

(13:15) Sam: Unlike the last cave she had been in, this one was dry. And she could feel heat emanating from deep within, melting the snow on her fancy new jacket.

(13:18) Sam: As her eyes adjusted to the dark, dark cavern, she could see…

(13:18) Sam: Well, not much, honestly.

(13:18) Sam: It was a dark, dark cavern.

(13:21) Sam: But she thought she could see the barest flicker of light much deeper into the mountain.

(13:21) Sam: Zeldissa pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device. It glowed with the faintest light.

(13:21) Sam: “Hey” she whispered to Yuniss. “Do you think you could make a light for me?”

(13:22) Sam: *Are you kidding?* hissed the pixie. *We’re in the lair of a DRAGON. I don’t want to draw attention to us.*

(13:22) Sam: It was a fair point, but Zeldissa was concerned about stumbling around in the super dark cave.

(13:22) Sam: (So… brave the cave with no light or tell Yuniss to just do what you say?)

(13:23) Alissa: Do what I say woman

(13:24) Sam: “Just do what I say” Zeldissa said, exasperated. Yuniss gave a tiny huff, but soon the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device began to emit a pinkish light.

(13:25) Sam: By Yuniss’ light, Zeldissa could see… not much more, honestly. Yuniss’ light was pretty weak.

(13:26) Sam: But she could see great stone walls curving up over her head. The cave snaked further into the mountain, it appeared. There was just the one path, so Zeldissa crept along it, one hand on her scissors.

(13:30) Sam: The cave twisted around itself, but the way remained clear.

(13:31) Sam: Zeldissa began to hear a strange sound, like wind, coming from further down the stone corridor.

(13:40) Sam: *I don’t like this place* Yuniss whispered

(13:40) Sam: “You don’t like any place” Zeldissa muttered.

(13:40) Sam: Still, Zeldissa wasn’t really thrilled to be here, either. The quiet and the dark were starting to unnerve her.

(13:40) Sam: There were no monsters. No creatures. No traps.

(13:41) Sam: Just a seemingly endless corridor.

(13:41) Sam: With a sound she may or may not be imagining that sounded like really faint wind.

(13:46) Sam: Zeldissa started thinking about how there was a very real possibility that this adventure had driven her mad.

(13:47) Sam: Or that something else had, and this whole crazy adventure was just the construct of a delusional, broken mind.

(13:49) Sam: In fact, she contemplated this so hard that she didn’t see the elaborate stone door until she smacked into it.

(13:50) Sam: Dazed, she lay on the floor of the cavern, staring blearily up at the dark stone ceiling.

(13:51) Sam: *Graceful* Yuniss snickered.

(14:13) Sam: Slowly, Zeldissa got back on her feet.

(14:22) Sam: The door before her was ridiculously ornate. And golden. So golden.

(14:23) Alissa: (Don’t make it say speak friend and enter lol)

(14:23) Sam: Among the swirls and curls of the intricate flame carvings, there were a series of small gold boxes inset in the door.

(14:23) Sam: They formed a grid that looked like this:

(14:24) Sam: I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

(14:24) Sam: (darn)_

(14:24) Sam: (let’s try that again:)

(14:24) Alissa: (lol)

(14:25) Sam: They looked like this:

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

(14:25) Sam: Or something

(14:25) Sam: (screw it)

(14:25) Sam: (this thing hates me)

(14:26) Sam: Five rows of three boxes

(14:26) Sam: Not whatever this stupid chat program keeps spitting out

(14:26) Sam: Glancing around, Zeldissa spied an equally ornate golden bowl standing near the door.

(14:27) Sam: It was dusty with age, but inside, Zeldissa could see a bevy of deep red stone spheres.

(14:27) Sam: Etched in a plaque on the wall was the following:

(14:30) Sam:   

(14:31) Sam: “Uh…” Zeldissa muttered. “Yeah, well, that’s no help at all.”

(14:31) Sam: *Actually, I can translate that* Yuniss piped up.

(14:31) Sam: There was a lengthy pause.

(14:31) Sam: “So… I mean… are you going to…?”

(14:32) Sam: *Am I going to what?”

(14:32) Sam: (* not “)

(14:32) Sam: (I suck at this today)

(14:32) Sam: “Are you going to translate that?”

(14:33) Sam: *Oh… why?*

(14:33) Sam: “Because it’s probably important!” Zeldissa snapped

(14:33) Sam: *Looks important, yeah*

(14:33) Sam: The pixie grinned wickedly.

(14:34) Sam: *Okay, I’ll stop torturing you* she said. *This is what it says:

A serpent’s sound

The start of scales

Found in a whisper

And the end of tales*

(14:34) Sam: “ANOTHER STUPID POEM?!”

(14:34) Sam: *I think it’s a riddle* Yuniss mused.

(14:35) Sam: “Yeah, okay, great. A riddle. What does it mean?”

(14:35) Sam: *I think you need to solve it*

(14:35) Sam: “Can’t you solve it?”

(14:35) Sam: *Eh, I could* Yuniss said. *But I already translated it. It’s your turn to do something*

(14:35) Sam: “Great” muttered Zeldissa.

(14:35) Sam: “A serpent’s sound

The start of scales

Found in a whisper

And the end of tales”

(14:36) Sam: “And I’m guessing these red balls have something to do with it…”

(14:36) Sam: Zeldissa counted quickly. “11 balls… 15 holes in the door… 1 stupid riddle”

(14:37) Sam: (So… What do you do?)

(14:37) Alissa: dumb all the balls in the last hole in the door

(14:37) Alissa: dump*

(14:38) Sam: Zeldissa tried to shove all the balls in the last hole of the door.

(14:38) Sam: And she tried REALLY hard. But it soon became painfully obvious that only one red sphere would fit in each little hole.

(14:40) Sam: So now there was one little sphere in one little door hole. It looked like this:

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_IOI

(14:40) Sam: (haHA!)

(14:40) Sam: (ahem)

(14:40) Sam: (Anyway… any more ideas, player?)

(14:41) Alissa: ermh… can I take spheres out?

(14:41) Sam: Zeldissa reached into the little hole and removed the sphere. The door once again looked like this:

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

(14:41) Sam: (FINALLY- IT WORKS)

(14:42) Sam: (Now what?)

(14:42) Alissa: wellllll….. maybe make an S with the stones in the door

(14:44) Sam: Zeldissa started placing the ruby spheres in the door. Soon, she had crafted a letter ‘s’ in the door:

IOIOIOI

IOI_I_I

IOIOIOI

I_I_IOI

IOIOIOI

(14:44) Sam: With a groan and a shudder, the door swung open.

(14:44) Sam: *Wow* Yuniss said. *I did not think you’d figure that out*

(14:44) Sam: “Shut up” Zeldissa muttered.

(14:45) Sam: As the door opened, the sound of wind became louder.

(14:45) Sam: But the wind was… slow. Measured. Almost like…

(14:45) Sam: “It’s breathing” Zeldissa whispered.

(14:46) Sam: Something huge waited for her in the darkness. Something huge, breathing deeply… And Zeldissa had the sneaking suspicion it knew she was there.